I Miss Him!!!!!

I just wanna sit down and write what I'm thinking. Sometimes there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Wonder what he is doing, or who he's doing it with. All the special times we shared together. I promised myself that I would not feel like this about him anymore. I would lock these feelings away, never let them back in my heart or mind. It's just that I can't help it when it hits me. It just sits there in the back of my mind, until I can't ignore it anymore. I've tried to cut off all contact with him, much to my dismay. He said it would be better for us.

For the past 3 days I have been fighting the feeling of ( calling him ). I have his number, I look at it everyday in my e-mail. I wanna call him so bad. I just find it so hard to hear his voice and not tell him what I'm feeling. I have lied to myself and him when I said, that I could let these feelings go. I don't care what anyone thinks. I know in my heart, body, and soul. That we were supposed to have a future together. I know we will never have a future together now, but it does not mean that we were not supposed to have one together. We were soul mates " I KNOW IT "

Enough complaining :-( I 'm going through one of those " If I could change things " phases in my life.

Why????

Why is it that some people have to be such a fucking disappointment. Today I really need to write my feelings down. I am so pissed the fuck off. Why is it every time I think someone is actually a good person. I realize they are actually the scum of the earth just like every other dush bag I meet. Here I have been social with this so called " nice guy " for the past 4 or 5 month's. In this time , we talk a lot about different things. Never once had we talked about anything besides friendship. Well naturally I start to take interest in him. Really it was a dream that actually got me to take interest in him. Point of the matter is, I started thinking about him. I still never said nothing to him about these feelings. So last night he comes in the hotel. I thought to myself that I might express some of these feelings to him today. Not physically, just verbally.

Of course I only get to see him when he has to work in this area. He is from Georgia. He drives down here almost every weekend for work. So he comes in with his partner last night. I give him a hug, and he hugs back. He comments on how good I smell. So of course I take this as a good sign. BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!!! So he spends most of his night up here at the front desk talking to me. We both start to express interest in one another. I was actually starting to feel sort of good about the situation.

It was about 11:00 p.m. When he calls to the front desk. He starts joking around on the phone. Then the true" Dick Head " comes outta him. He asks me if I wanna come to his room after work. So I could stay with him and his partner. So for lack of better words. He actually thought I was going to sleep with him and his co-worker.

Are you fucking kidding me. What a true FUCKING ASSHOLE. Rest assure I will not be speaking to him anymore. What the hell is up here. Where is my luck with men at??????

When reality sets in !!!!!

When reality sets in, is when everything that was a blurr suddenly comes to light. For so long I could not give up on these feelings I feel inside for my ex. But we had a talk yesterday. I realized something from that talk. I have to move on with my life. Those feelings have to go deep down in the back of my heart. I'm sure I will never forget that they are there. But I should not dwell on those feelings anymore. I love him and I will always love him, but he is my past now. As much as I hate too admit it, he is not my future. When we talked I felt like my heart broke. In my twisted reality, I thought we could have a future together. I was wrong, I was hanging on to the past. I guess it's time to close this chapter in my life.

I don't know what my future holds. Or who my future is supposed to be with. But I'm sure I will find him. Either he's somewhere out there, or already in my life. I don't know!!!!!

Just A Thought.......

Do you remember what it was like when you first fell in love, or anytime you fell in love? That feeling that you wished would never go away. The way that person made you feel was almost UN-real. Every minute away from them felt like an eternity. The butter-flies you would get in your stomach every time you would see them, even if you just saw them yesterday. The way they could bring a smile to your face, even if they were not there. The way you could not imagine your life without them. When they kissed you!!!! it felt like every hair on your body would stand up, and when they touched you. It felt like your heart was beating like a drum. How all the simple, silly things remind you of them. How no matter what is going on in your life, the sound of their voice makes it all worth while.

I know we have all experienced that feeling at some time in our lives. Some of us might be lucky enough too have experienced it more than once. We spend most of our lives trying to find that feeling. For us who have felt it than lost it, spend the rest of our lives trying to get it back. Some times if you look to hard, you will get lost. You will find what you think is love, but it is really nothing more than a substitute for the real thing. That is what happens sometimes. We waste our time with the substitutes, while the real thing is probably passing us by. If there is one thing I have learned in life. If you find love, you will know. The feelings it gives you in your soul will let you know it is the real deal. I've felt it before and certainly yearn to feel it again.

I don't know the meaning of this post. I just wanted to write what I was thinking.

Glad it's over !!!!!

Boy am I glad Christmas is over, I love the holiday. But it surely takes a lot outta a person, financially and physically. Well the kids got everything they wanted and stuff they didn't. So you know every room is packed with toys. I had a very nice time with my family. There were no fights, everyone got along, and best of all there was good food :) To top it off. All of my family got together and brought me a limited edition GUCCI purse. I was happy, even though I wish they wouldn't have. It was way too expensive. I miss them when I leave them. They are the way they are, but they love me. I Love them every bit as much as they love me.

I didn't see Nancy and the girls there. I guess they must have spent Christmas at the shelter. We didn't know how to get in contact with them. So one of us could ride out there to pick them up. So I guess they stood there. It's times like this that I feel so bad for them. Having to live in a shelter has got to be so hard. All I can do is pray for them. There has to be a reason God has written this chapter in their lives. There has to be a lesson for them too learn. I just hope that they learn it.

I also had a very pleasant time with T-Ray and his family. They brought me a beautiful bath set from bath and body works. T-Ray got me an engagement ring. So you can imagine I have a lot on my mind right now. He asked me in front of his whole family. I was so nervous & a little embarrassed. But the best thing about spending time with them was the food :) Well we all had a good Christmas and I hope all my very dear friends had one as well.

Getting Ready........

I hate going away from my home for a couple days. Perhaps it's because I hate any thing that has to do with packing. Well I will be going to Kissimmee to spend time with my family. Also with T-Ray and his family. This will be an adventure that I can wait for. When ever my family gets together there is always a fight. Then the old neighborhood is really not one of my most favorite places to go too. But the Twins and Trinity's dad is out now, so he would probably like too see them. Or maybe not, he didn't even call them when he got back to Kissimmee. " What a loving father " He is probably the reason why I find it so hard to trust any man. I guess it will be nice to be around my family for the Holidays.

I guess I can also use this as a time to spend some major time with T-Ray and his family. Try to see if I can get a little bit closer to him. I need to try and settle down. Sooner better than later. I'm ready to be a wife and not just a girlfriend. T-Ray did say he wanted to marry me. Maybe it's about time I stop "beating around the bush". My problem is I hate the thought of putting my guard down and then getting hurt again. Maybe T-Ray is young, but what does age have to do with it. He loves my kids & and they love him. He accepts me for who I am. Above all that, I know in my heart he loves me. I think I should give him a chance, maybe. We'll see how this weekend goes :)

It's cold out here where I live today. I know I should not complain, I could be living in 6degree weather. I don't think I could take that bone chilling cold anymore. Although sometimes I really miss it. It's been a long time since I been back home ( New York ). I really miss it when I see things on T.V. that remind me of it. I would like to go skating at Rockerfeller Center. I think I spelled it right. If not, OOOPS..... I sometimes wonder what it would be like to live there again.

Live & Learn

O kay I have a question that has been lingering in my head for the past couple days. What do you really say to someone that you have feelings for, when they tell you that. They met someone they might be falling for, and could possibly marry in the future. Oh!! Congrats, you deserve it, I'm happy for you. Are you kidding yourself. If you ever really loved that person, I mean truly loved that person. If you say any of those things to them, then your lire to yourself and that person. I have had like the most horrible week. Trying to figure, Who the hell gives me the right to be mad? I mean I must really be losing my dame mind here. We have not been together in like 3 to 4 years. But it's not fair. He was supposed to be my future.



I just find it so hard to be happy. I can't lie too myself. When I spoke with him, I did tell him all those lies about me being happy for him. HELL NO I'm not happy. I still have so many un-resolved feelings for this man. Too tell you the truth, if I didn't think I would look like a complete psycho-path. I would march my ass right up there, and clear all these feelings up. But he does care for this girl, so I have no right to do that. The sad shame of all of it is that I actually thought about doing it. Just the thought of him getting married sends me crazy. I wanna just see him one time. I wanna know how he would react to seeing me again. O kay I know I sound like a freaking looney.

It's just so hard to actually feel like I have to let him and all of these feelings go now. I have so many different emotions right now. I feel sad most of all. I guess if you ever really fall in love with someone. those feelings don't just diminish when you break up. They stay there lingering around, waiting for a moment like this. To send you stark mad crazy with jealousy. I would love nothing more than to see him right now. Just to spend a little quality time together. It's hard to let go of someone who meant so much to you.

Well I guess I sound crazy enough now. So I'll be back again soon.