I Miss Him!!!!!

I just wanna sit down and write what I'm thinking. Sometimes there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Wonder what he is doing, or who he's doing it with. All the special times we shared together. I promised myself that I would not feel like this about him anymore. I would lock these feelings away, never let them back in my heart or mind. It's just that I can't help it when it hits me. It just sits there in the back of my mind, until I can't ignore it anymore. I've tried to cut off all contact with him, much to my dismay. He said it would be better for us.

For the past 3 days I have been fighting the feeling of ( calling him ). I have his number, I look at it everyday in my e-mail. I wanna call him so bad. I just find it so hard to hear his voice and not tell him what I'm feeling. I have lied to myself and him when I said, that I could let these feelings go. I don't care what anyone thinks. I know in my heart, body, and soul. That we were supposed to have a future together. I know we will never have a future together now, but it does not mean that we were not supposed to have one together. We were soul mates " I KNOW IT "

Enough complaining :-( I 'm going through one of those " If I could change things " phases in my life.

Why????

Why is it that some people have to be such a fucking disappointment. Today I really need to write my feelings down. I am so pissed the fuck off. Why is it every time I think someone is actually a good person. I realize they are actually the scum of the earth just like every other dush bag I meet. Here I have been social with this so called " nice guy " for the past 4 or 5 month's. In this time , we talk a lot about different things. Never once had we talked about anything besides friendship. Well naturally I start to take interest in him. Really it was a dream that actually got me to take interest in him. Point of the matter is, I started thinking about him. I still never said nothing to him about these feelings. So last night he comes in the hotel. I thought to myself that I might express some of these feelings to him today. Not physically, just verbally.

Of course I only get to see him when he has to work in this area. He is from Georgia. He drives down here almost every weekend for work. So he comes in with his partner last night. I give him a hug, and he hugs back. He comments on how good I smell. So of course I take this as a good sign. BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!!! So he spends most of his night up here at the front desk talking to me. We both start to express interest in one another. I was actually starting to feel sort of good about the situation.

It was about 11:00 p.m. When he calls to the front desk. He starts joking around on the phone. Then the true" Dick Head " comes outta him. He asks me if I wanna come to his room after work. So I could stay with him and his partner. So for lack of better words. He actually thought I was going to sleep with him and his co-worker.

Are you fucking kidding me. What a true FUCKING ASSHOLE. Rest assure I will not be speaking to him anymore. What the hell is up here. Where is my luck with men at??????

When reality sets in !!!!!

When reality sets in, is when everything that was a blurr suddenly comes to light. For so long I could not give up on these feelings I feel inside for my ex. But we had a talk yesterday. I realized something from that talk. I have to move on with my life. Those feelings have to go deep down in the back of my heart. I'm sure I will never forget that they are there. But I should not dwell on those feelings anymore. I love him and I will always love him, but he is my past now. As much as I hate too admit it, he is not my future. When we talked I felt like my heart broke. In my twisted reality, I thought we could have a future together. I was wrong, I was hanging on to the past. I guess it's time to close this chapter in my life.

I don't know what my future holds. Or who my future is supposed to be with. But I'm sure I will find him. Either he's somewhere out there, or already in my life. I don't know!!!!!

Just A Thought.......

Do you remember what it was like when you first fell in love, or anytime you fell in love? That feeling that you wished would never go away. The way that person made you feel was almost UN-real. Every minute away from them felt like an eternity. The butter-flies you would get in your stomach every time you would see them, even if you just saw them yesterday. The way they could bring a smile to your face, even if they were not there. The way you could not imagine your life without them. When they kissed you!!!! it felt like every hair on your body would stand up, and when they touched you. It felt like your heart was beating like a drum. How all the simple, silly things remind you of them. How no matter what is going on in your life, the sound of their voice makes it all worth while.

I know we have all experienced that feeling at some time in our lives. Some of us might be lucky enough too have experienced it more than once. We spend most of our lives trying to find that feeling. For us who have felt it than lost it, spend the rest of our lives trying to get it back. Some times if you look to hard, you will get lost. You will find what you think is love, but it is really nothing more than a substitute for the real thing. That is what happens sometimes. We waste our time with the substitutes, while the real thing is probably passing us by. If there is one thing I have learned in life. If you find love, you will know. The feelings it gives you in your soul will let you know it is the real deal. I've felt it before and certainly yearn to feel it again.

I don't know the meaning of this post. I just wanted to write what I was thinking.